Aug 182017
 

When I joined Toastmasters to improve my public speaking, their emphasis on listening skills surprised me. It shouldn’t have. Listening, as opposed to simply hearing, is the key to effective communications.

Good listening skills facilitate meaningful conversations. The two of them together are indispensable when it comes to collecting stories.

 Listening skills and conversation keys to stories

Listening Skills help You Understand Stories

Simple conversations can bring an understanding of another culture alive. I had one such conversation years ago as my family drove through the Four Corners area of the US West.  When we saw a sign advertising dinosaur tracks, we turned in to investigate.  A Navajo guide met us and showed us the dinosaur tracks and much, much, more. Luckily, my curiosity overcame my natural distractibility. I listened has he explained where he lived. He pointed in the distance, identifying landmarks, not roads. The route number or state name was insignificant. The buttes, mesas, and mountains weren’t. His nation had very different demarcations than ours.

He showed us a square indention in the rock where “white men” had cut out dinosaur prints to put in a museum. The scar in the ground still rankled, but not due to theft. It was the logic that escaped him. Wouldn’t people prefer a walk in nature to see the prints than parking a car and go into a museum with limited hours?

Ten minutes of one-on-one conversation helped me understand the man before me. Because I listened, I gain a tad of insight into his culture.  (Before I choke on my halo, I should also mention that it’s quite possible that after hours in the car my brain was so saturated by Veggie Tale’s Silly Songs that adult conversation was a salve.)

How many times do we have the opportunity to take those 10 minutes and fail to do so. I’m sure I’ve passed up way too many.

Listening Paves the Way to Meaningful Conversations

Sometimes anonymity provides a comfort level that allows us to drop our defenses. This was the case recently outside of my favorite coffee shop. As my friends and I we left, we saw two beautifully dressed young women attempting to take a selfie. Volunteering to take it for them we learned they were celebrating Eid, the end of Ramadan. A few minutes of honest conversation educated us, starting with our efforts to pronounce Eid.

“How should a non-Muslim should greet a Muslim on Eid?” I asked. “Is ‘Happy Eid’ appropriate?”

They giggled. “Yes, that’s fine.” The giggle implied that perhaps there could be a better phraseology, but they explained. “You’re reaching out to understand our culture. Any way you greet us, acknowledging our faith and our celebration is enough.”

Perhaps that’s why around the holidays, Story Corps celebrates a National Day of Listening instead of a National Day of Storytelling.  It all starts withe the listening skills.

Listening Skills and Conversations with Loved Ones

If good listening skills can connect us with strangers, think what they can do with family members.  But those same listening skills might be harder with those we love.

SkillsYouNeed.com’s Listening Skills article explains some of the barriers to good listening skills:

For example, one common problem is that instead of listening closely to what someone is saying, we often get distracted after a sentence or two, and instead start to think about what we are going to say in reply. This means that we do not listen to the rest of the speaker’s message.

We may also get distracted by the speaker’s appearance, or by what someone else is saying, which sounds more interesting.

These issues not only affect you, but you are likely to show your lack of attention in your body language.

What’s striking about those barriers is that they’re more likely to crop up when we’re familiar with the person who’s speaking. We notice that grandma has a spot on her shirt and wonder if someone is helping her with the wash. That grandpa now has a lot of hairs growing out of his ears. That our son missed a spot when shaving. That our spouse is going down the same path that we’ve heard before. We want to avoid a potential political rant. We become unfocused.

Worse, the conversation becomes more about the thoughts in our heads than the memories in theirs.

Perhaps we have to try harder to be good listeners with those we love (or see often).

I wonder if I would have felt as free to ask questions if the two Muslim women had been co-workers. Perhaps my thoughts would have been so occupied with “What will they think of me?” and “Should I know this already?” that I wouldn’t have asked questions.

Your Turn:

When have good listening skills led you to a story you would have otherwise never heard?

Can’t think of one? Try it the next time you interview a family member about their past.  Let go of your agenda of questions to ask and be present in the moment. See if a different story emerges.

Other Resources:

Jul 052017
 

Discovering my Ethnicity via autosomal DNA testing

Taking myself and my sister as a pseudo case-study, I thought it might be interesting to compare the ethnicity estimates obtained through autosomal DNA testing at three different companies.  Note: This is not a detailed comparison of all the DNA-companies and all the features they offer.  Rather, I’ll only compare the origin or ethnicity profiles of three DNA tests.

Ancestry.com’s autosomal DNA Ethnicity Estimate

When I first received (back in 2014, I think) my Ancestry.com results, I had a mixed reaction: “Hmmm….” and “Oh wow, now I can celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.”

My ethnicity estimate from Ancestry.com

The “Hmmm…” came because I’ve been tracing my roots for a while (not including the 20 years my aunt spent before I started) and I’ve yet to find an Irish ancestor.  In fact, those ancestors I’ve traced back over the pond, all come from England and Scotland.  My major brick wall is John Wilkinson (born 1803 in Virginia, married to Nancy). The good folks at the Irish Genealogical Society have told me that he’s not likely to have been an Irishman.

Regardless, John and Nancy Wilkinson wouldn’t account for much of that 37% of Irishness. As my 3x great-grandparents, either one of them would only account for 3.3% of my DNA makeup.[1]

Over the last couple of years, Ancestry.com and genetic genealogy bloggers have started publishing answers to my mysterious Irish DNA conundrum. In We are all Irish according to Ancestry.com, Laurence A. Moran suggests that it’s perhaps more meaningful to think of Ancestry’s “Irish” ethnicity as “Celtic.” Ancestry.com’s AncestryDNA – The Irish Connection explains that “Irish” component of their ethnicity estimates simply means that the user shares genetic ancestry with individuals in their Irish reference panel, who possess “deep roots in Ireland going back several generations.”

In other words, an estimate is just that. An informed projection based on comparing DNA with other modern-day people. As Judy G. Russell explains in Those percentages, revisited, “Nobody is out there running around, digging up 500- or 1,000-year-old bones, extracting DNA for us to compare our own DNA to.”

Ancestry.com also points out that the map for Ireland ethnicity overlaps other close-by locations, such as Scotland. That’s a legitimate point. Irish genealogy specialists are quick to point out, that depending where you cross, Scotland and Ireland are only separated by 20 to 50 miles of water.

Ancestry.com’s DNA Result Enhancements

For a while, that was all the information Ancestry.com had for me.  But, to give full credit where credit is due, they keep improving the data their test results provide.  At the end of March 2017, they rolled out Genetic Communities which give greater insight into their ethnicity estimates.

Ancestry.com's ethnicity estimates of by way of genetic communitiesBecause I’m still in the process of understanding them myself, delving deeply in to them are beyond the scope of this post. That said, it is striking how much more information these genetic communities give than their standard pie-chart. I’m sure I’ll spend many happy hours delving into these communities, as well as my DNA-circles.  These are groups of DNA cousins that have identified common ancestors.  (You do need to upload a family tree for this to work.) Curiously, all seven of my DNA-circles stem from my mother’s side of the family.

Family Tree Autosomal DNA “Origins”

I decided to do a little more testing and cousin baiting through Family Tree DNA. Driven more by spontaneity than scientific method, I decided to gift this test kit to my sister, who, in theory, shares 50% of my DNA.  I thought using her spittle might widen the cousin-catching net.

It has. Because each company has their own database of potential matches, her DNA test has yielded different DNA-cousins than Ancestry.com’s matches.

Ethnicity Estimates or Origins per Family Tree DNA

While their “Origins Profile” of 93% British Isles is vague enough not to be confusing, it is, um, well, vague.  (I should note that their “ancient origins” profile, something else beyond the scope of this post, is pretty cool.)

Living Autosomal DNA Ethnicity Estimates

Several fellow genealogists encouraged me to try testing at Living-DNA, a lesser-known (at least in my neck of the woods) company which promises greater origin detail for those of us with European ancestry. Read more about the company Roberta Estes’ LivingDNA Product Review.

Opening my results, I wasn’t a bit surprised to see 92.8% European. (However, the 6+% of Asian DNA did surprise me.)

Living DNA European Ethnicity Estimates Overview

Living DNA European Ethnicity Estimate Overview

No big revelations, until I kept clicking on the little plus sign. Pay dirt. Living DNA lived up to their promise of a more detailed ethnicity estimate.

Detailed British Isles Ethnicity Estimate per Living DNA

Detailed British Isles Ethnicity Estimates per Living DNA

Though I’ve yet to compare the places my known ancestors lived with these results. However, glancing over them and remembering the Ancestral places I had on my 2016 UK visit bucket list, I see a lot of correlation.

However, the comparison raises questions as well. While Ancestry puts my Scandinavian DNA at 24%, LivingDNA reports 6%. Hmmm.

The Take-Aways

  1. The better you understand the technology and protocols each testing company uses, the more meaningful your results will be.
  2. Like everything else in family history, you’ll want multiple sources. And, one source will often lead you to the next. For instance, it wasn’t until I knew that approximately 90% of my DNA origins were from the Europe that I realized that testing at Living DNA was a logical next step.
  3. Depending on your purposes and what you already know about your ancestry, one test might be preferable for you.  In other words, don’t choose which test you take based on price alone. (I found Roberta Estes’ Which DNA Test is Best helpful. Nanalyze’s AncestryDNA vs 23andMe vs FamilyTreeDNA vs Living DNA is also interesting and entertaining.)
  4. Uploading your family tree will greatly increase your odds of finding DNA cousins, and with Ancestry.com, the more information you upload, the better your chances of identifying DNA-circles.
  5. DNA testing lets the genie out of the bottle in a multitude of ways. It can be a lot like Lay’s potato chips. The more you learn about genetic genealogy, the more you’ll understand from these tests.  You can’t learn just one fact. Genetic genealogy is a fascinating field that will draw you in. You’ll definitely want to look into other tools like GedMatch.com.
  6. I’m not 37% Irish.

[1] Degrees of Relations and the Number of Genes Share, http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.ancestry.com~laetoli/degree.html

 

Jun 302017
 

Most of us believe that family stories matter, but we’re hard put to explain why. Here’s what I came up with.Why Family Stories Matter

Family is more than the DNA in our cells, more than our biological relatedness. Family is a story in itself—a tale of where we came from. It includes what roads we traveled, what obstacles we faced, and who kept us safe and sane along the way. Family is built on our common experiences, both those that transpired over centuries and those that took place during a singular hot, miserable fourteen-hour trip in the back of a unairconditioned station wagon. It’s the recipes we’ve learned, elbow to elbow as Stacy Troilo likes to say. The bumps, bruises, heartache, healing, and loving that we shared. Sometimes it’s even the what-might-have-been.

Knowing (and Understanding) Family Stories Matter

In his 2013 The Family Stories that Bind Us New York Times article, Bruce Feiler reported an astounding finding. Investigating how to raise happy children, he concluded, “The single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative.” Research shows that children who know their family stories tended to have more resilience.

When you think about how the brain digests stories differently than it processes facts, it makes sense that family stories matter to a child’s development. Stories connect us to characters. That’s doubly powerful when the “characters” are family members. Though thinking of a little train saying, “I think I can, I think I can” is great, knowing Uncle Joe overcame incredible odds is more inspiring.

My maternal grandmother came from a background that could have easily produced a resentful, bitter person. That would have been a normal and sane response to poverty and abandonment. Knowing that and having known the depth of her generous, loving and positive personality through her stories, make the word inspiring seem like faint praise.

Her past—her story—shores me up when I feel slighted. I realize that I too can rise above ugliness and not let it change me. Not to mention that the slights I face don’t even compare to what she faced.  Perspective is a good thing.

I also think of my dear friend John. His grandparents raised him. He had little contact with his mother and never met his father. For him, “family history” is place of rootlessness. I’m not saying he’s not resilient. He is. However, I do think it’s come at a higher price for him.

I also think of hearing LeVar Burton speak at RootsTech last February. He stressed that everyone needs to know where they came from to make their own story complete.

The Telling of Family Stories Matters

A storyteller and an audience comprise a dialogue, a conversation. Family storytelling goes far beyond an entertaining rendition of past events, because our telling, like our stories, has a rich subtext.

Family storytellers aren’t motivated by a need to sit on center stage and enjoy the limelight. They have a need to connect. A desire to comfort and commiserate and celebrate when they’re not physically present.  The nurturing you tacitly express by storytelling is part of your story. Your listeners or readers get that. That’s part of a bond.

A story of getting in trouble for playing hooky from school, for example, tells your reader (or listener) that you didn’t start off perfect. That you’ve been in someone’s ill favor. Perhaps most importantly, you’re explaining that when it happens to them, it’s not going to be the end of the world.

Family Stories: Meant for Sharing

Paul Tritschler articulates it elegantly.

“We don’t become any less by sharing. Stories are part of the fabric of who we are, but only in sharing our life experiences do we develop a sense of self. … Stories cultivate the frequently forgotten yet uniquely human traits that are crucial in building solidarity.”

When I was expecting my second, I tried to stave off any growing feelings of resentment that might be stirring in my eldest son’s belly against the child growing in mine. My go-to exercise was what I called the “love candle.” The love candle was a glass dish filled with wax and three wicks.

Love candle illustrates sharing family stories After lighting the first wick, I’d turn of the lights and explain how lighting the other two wicks (him and his sibling-to-be) didn’t diminish the first flame. As three, they burned brighter. I hoped he’d get how our growing family would only brighten the light of love in our house.

At two, he may not have fully digested my metaphor. He could count to three and thought three people were enough of a family.

You, on the other hand, have realized that the love candle metaphor works for our family stories. Sharing them not only increases the illumination for the hearer. It spreads the connections, ones that can continue to burn even after our own flame is extinguished.

Jun 162017
 

In her ongoing Remember the Descendants blog party, Elizabeth O’Neal asks family historians how they plan to preserve genealogical research for future generations.

Remember the Descendants empty page

Don’t leave a blank page. Remember the descendants in your family tree by preserving genealogical information

The question is well-put for all memoirists and family storytellers. We’re creating a legacy. Even if you don’t know much about your family’s genealogy, preserving what you do know is important.

Preserving Roots, Not Just Branches

Knowing where you came from matters. We hear stories, again and again, about how knowing one’s roots has made a difference. LeVar Burton had a particularly poignant one. I have a couple of my own, which you’ll find peppered throughout this blog.

The Global Family Reunion party I hosted two years ago also brought this home. Though few of the attendees were hard core (or even light core, for that matter) family historians, most showed up with a precious stack of papers, notebook, or chart that Aunt So-and-so had put together years ago. My friend Judy had a single sheet of paper with what her father, then 93, could remember about family names and places.

These unremarkable-looking treasures were heirlooms which connected them to their roots.

Including Family History in Your Legacy of Stories

There are a multitude of ways to preserve that you know about your family’s genealogy. Below are just a few ideas.

Scrapbooking:

You can look at the tutorials on this site or create your own design. Almost every craft store has family tree or family history pages and layouts. When you need inspiration, Stacy Julian’s “a very fruitful tree” site is packed full of great ideas that merge scrapbooking and storytelling. I’ve also pinned quite a few layouts on my Scrapbooking Pinterest board.

Family Bible or Holy Book

Writing names and birth and death dates was a tradition born of necessity before the advent of hospital births and birth certificates. Wouldn’t continuing to honor this tradition make a wonderful gift? Whether it’s a new Bible you purchase for a young person or using your best penmanship (or even a calligraphy pen) to preserve information in your aunt’s dog-eared tome, loved ones will appreciate it.

Remember the Descendants by Writing a Family History Book

You don’t have to have a file cabinet full of genealogical information to start thinking about compiling a family history book. This allows you to combine the stories with the facts. (Hmm. I feel a blog series coming on.)

Digitizing Old Films so the Whole Family Can Enjoy Them

box of memories in the closetDisclosure: I represent Legacy Republic (affiliate link), a company that does just that. It’s not simply a matter of preserving old VHS tapes that are degrading to put them back in the same closet in another, albeit longer-lasting, format. You can remember the descendants by making your past accessible to them and sharing it with them. Those old photo albums and 8mm films can work as story prompts.

Journaling

Journaling isn’t what it used to be when I wrote in my diary in high school. Or at least, it’s not necessarily that.  Though it can be the portal through which you dump your deepest and most embarrassing thoughts, journals also make a great way to preserve memories, stories, and love for the next generation.  Pinterest, of course, makes a great source of inspiration.  But keep in mind, it doesn’t have to look like Martha Stewart’s staff put it together for it to connect.  My grandmother’s journal was barely legible (I’m not endorsing that, mind you), but we love it immensely.

Need more Ideas?

Below are just a few posts in which family history and storytelling intersect.

 Your Turn:

How do plan to preserve genealogical information for your descendants? Leave me a comment or join in Elizabeth’s Remember the Descendants Blog Party (open through June 2017).

 

May 102017
 

In the hyper-awareness that comes with loss, quite a few bittersweet moments have embossed themselves on my heart and memory. Snapshots of love, grief, and faith, gathered over the last two weeks.

Sacred Bittersweet Moments

Our minds record touching, bittersweet moments more vividly than a camera could.

I thought the dearly departed would have enjoyed some of them, were he watching. Perhaps he was. My insights aren’t unique, I’m sure. Such bittersweet moments happen in families all the time. But I found comfort in writing them down. Considering them together, I realize that they tell a story that is as much about the departed as those he left behind.

I hope that by my sharing them, you’ll record a few of your own. Continue reading »

Apr 042017
 

As a newly minted Legacy Republic consultant, I seized on the opportunity at RootsTech 2017 to get to know the company’s leadership better. Legacy Republic Logo (Disclosure: I’m a Legacy Maker or consultant. As such I receive financial compensation from orders placed through me or my personal Legacy Republic site. That said, I believe in Legacy Republic’s mission and services. They are the reason I joined.)

During Rootstech2016, Legacy Republic’s president Brian Knapp was busy unveiling their new Studio scanner, the 2nd place winner in the Innovator Summit.  This year, things were a little less hectic. However, Brian was no less enthusiastic about the company’s mission. In addition, he had time to explain Legacy Republic’s commitment to helping family historians tell stories.

View the interview below to hear more about how Legacy Republic helps family storytellers highlight the moments that matter.

Interview

Legacy Republic and Storytelling

Sharleen Reyes, the company’s VP of Marketing impressed me as well. She took time to sit with me and give me insight into how Legacy Republic translates their mission into a marketing strategy. Sharleen isn’t what my former life in international business would have lead me to expect out of a VP of Marketing.  She’s unpretentious, open to new ideas, and has a mile-wide creative streak.

She doesn’t believe in scare tactics.  Though it’s true that media is degrading, particularly VHS media, Legacy Republic frowns on scaring customers into getting every linear foot of video and film in the house digitized.  The mission is to get important memories out of closets and to share them with family.

Which is why, Sharleen explains, Legacy Republic prefers the person-to-person relationship model rather than a traditional sales force.  In fact, Legacy Republic trains their Legacy Makers to back away from “selling.” Instead, they are coached to simply help customers and trust that sales opportunities will develop organically—or not—out of trusted relationships.

Choosing the Moments that Matter

Which moments matter?

A case in point of posed versus un-posed photos. Of course, on the left is the question of why my mom would have cut my bangs so short before a formal portrait. However, the photo on the right portrays a more typical story of how my sister entertained herself sticking her finger in my ear. And why I didn’t seem to mind.

Sharleen and Brian gave a presentation at RootsTech on choosing those moments that matter.  In it, they stressed that the moments that matter are not necessarily the ones in which everyone wears in coordinated outfits and stands in front of an attractive backdrop. It might not even be the one with perfect focus and composition. Rather, they’re the ones that express a moment of personalities and relationships. The ones that give rise to stories. That’s a valuable takeaway for storytellers.

Your Turn:

There are stories lurking in your closets. Look back at media—still or film or video—and choose a couple of ones that have stories which flow from them.  Now go tell those stories!

Feb 172017
 

Research isn’t what genealogy is all about. It’s about understanding your roots. Knowing where you came from is part of your story. What makes you uniquely you.

Understanding your roots graphic

Understanding your roots, however you feel about your ancestors’ decisions, matters to understanding your own story.

Sometimes, though, we don’t like the facts we find. (See Facing Ancestors’ Pasts & Not Liking What We See) We’re tempted to ignore them, make light of them, or re-frame them.  The problem is, none of that breeds understanding.

I recently attended a lecture on telling ancestors’ stories. I found myself stopped short when I heard the speaker say, “We must be proud of our roots.” Although he was trying to make the point that ancestors’ stories can invoke family pride, he lost me. My brain was screaming, “Oh, no, we don’t.” If I limited my ancestors’ stories to those I could be proud of, I’d leave a bunch of folks out. Continue reading »

Feb 022017
 
Divided households picture of torn photo of house

Does your family story include issues which divided households?

Throughout time, people have disagreed with the people they love. Issues of childrearing, money, faith, culture, religious practices and politics have, on occasion, divided households and hardened hearts. You might immediately think of the present political environment, but this isn’t the first time in history that issues have created emotional schisms among family members and friends

Sometimes, if the animosity has been put to rest, it’s best to leave the story alone like the proverbial sleeping dog. There’s nothing to be gained from revisiting and possibly re-igniting tensions. Continue reading »

Sep 152016
 
Beauty and family Stories--like painting a mask

Often when we tell our stories, beauty and family stories go together. But should they?

Do beauty and family stories go together? Should they? When we leave a photographic record for prosperity, we’re all smiles. Why not do the same for our legacy of family stories?

Most of us want to present ourselves in a positive light. Maybe not quite perfect, but normal. We want to cover the blemishes. We may not be the Cleaver family, but we keep mute about the family disfigurements, the bad times. Continue reading »

Jul 082016
 
Invisible illnesses and daily pills

Chronic and invisible illnesses can separate from family members that need to hear our stories

If you’re like me, chronic and invisible illnesses come towards the bottom of the list of things you’d like to write about yourself. It’s not just immersing yourself in the negativity. Although the term “invisible illness” applies “to any medical condition that is not outwardly visible to others,” according to Social Work Today, some illnesses (heart disease, cancer) seem to generate support from loved ones, while others leave sufferers socially isolated.

Many with invisible illnesses frequently encounter people who, although they’ve never had a license to practice medicine feel beholden to second guess other people’s health status or dispense dismissive medical advice. Continue reading »